When I look at you

[Rhea Dopmeijer]

When I look at you

Sitting behind my laptop I am looking at a picture of you, and it is still hard to get my head around it you are not coming back. To me you are so real. I was looking at the sky this morning and just saw your face appearing in the clouds, you took me by surprise there. I felt my heart leap up by this sign and I knew this is one of many more.

Everywhere I go and everywhere I look, there you are. In the window of a shop or when I am looking for clothes automatically scanning the men’s wear. These are the confronting experiences for me. Walking in the street knowing you will not go there any longer and I don’t have to bring back home a shirt or trousers. Things I always would do to please you, make you smile, those little gestures to let you know I love you.

Not the material form any longer, so this is unknown territory somehow how to show you my love. Then it dawned, for as clear I can see every wrinkle in your face, your concentration when you were working, carefully, focused, watching every little detail, I can see you in every aspect of my life right now. I see it in the faces from those who love you, your children and grandchildren, your brothers and sister, and mine as well.

Every time your name comes up, and trust me, that is quite a lot, I see you. Every memory they share with each other, there you are. The happy memories are being over shadowed a bit by this recent loss of your physical appearance, you are ingrained and edged in every heart you have touched. Just by being You. 

My gentle giant, who could be so stubborn and self-interested at times. No I am not going to make a saint out of you. We all know every aspect you have shown us. We will always remember your generous heart and caring for those who were not able to follow the pace society demanded of them.

Being a coach and a teacher you have been for so many. Patience like an angel someone said, when it came to teach someone how to do their job. This quality of you shines through your lifetime as a lighthouse, for those who were effected by your ways.

The beauty of all of this is, watching our son watching his granddad and seeing you in every gesture and reaction as well the recognition of his own manners through the two of you. This is how love works as well. By recognizing the things they choose to incarnate by lineage, they also chose aspects of you and me, yet we are also part of our parents.

The way you resembled your father in some aspects, mostly the outer appearances and gestures, is pretty in their face at the moment. At the same time, I see you when I look at your dad, as I do when I look at our son. He takes after his father and grandfather as well in many ways although he is his own unique self. Our daughter sees you as well in the way her grandfather is reacting caused by old age and illness. Being so close to you during these last few months, watching your process day by day and now being reflected in her granddad.

I see you in her as well, same nature in essence although she also is unique and one of a kind. We raised our kids pretty well when I see how they both deal with this new situation in their life. It is not by words yet by actions we show how much we have thought them to respond to negativity or loss and how they will be able to bounce back again.

The strength and courage you showed during your day to day fight is memorable for them as well everyone else concerned. You are and always will be their role model, their hero they call you. And rightfully so. The same courage they show and I see you again. 

You have made such an impact on their lives as well mine it is not something that will wear off soon. It doesn’t have to, because every act and thought of love in your memory is just polishing it up even more. You are the modest one, the silent warrior so no tribute in your honor.

I just want to express, I see you in so many faces, in so many actions and memories, so much is triggering the love I feel for you. I can only describe how it feels to be on this side of the veil, for that is where my present lies. In every Now moment. 

Watching your picture at my laptop generates this writing as well did the confrontation in the shop this morning. The bitter sweet sensation when I see you. I guess it will take some time to adjust and it will be more sweet then bitter sweet, yet one thing I know, it will never be bitter. I see you when I see you, that’s our goodbye not so long ago.

This is truth, I see you all around me, holding me up and supporting me. Showering still with so much love expressed by those who love you, that it is giving me the strength as well the courage to walk my path with bravery. Knowing you are with me all the way, till I see You

And so it is

High Self @RheaDopmeijer ©
Heartfelt Messages 19-4-2016