In the coming centuries people will choose their friends, husbands, wives
and work partners very carefully because they will realize that they
cannot progress on the path of spiritual development at a normal speed
if they make a wrong choice or continuously fail in choosing correctly.
Many decades will pass before the human masses come to the conclusion
that they must use pure discrimination when they choose their friends
and marriage partners.
All the failures, disappointments, worries, agonies and conflicts that we
create in our homes occur because we did not make, or are not making,
the right choices.
To have right discrimination one must have true measures by which he can easily determine if he or his partner
is on the right track. Without true measures one cannot discriminate
and choose correctly. To discriminate means to see exactly what the
values of things are and then to choose the best.
These true measures are within us. Sometimes our measures are imposed on us
through outside pressures or subliminal suggestions. But in the depth of
our hearts we have the true measures of life, which must be brought to
the surface and applied in all circumstances of our lives.
Only with true measures can we further our own evolution and the evolution
of others. If we put into action the measures that abide into our
hearts, we will have highly-evolved marriages, and highly-evolved
children as a result, and we will create a new generation of noble human
As long as we use forced measures, measures built in us by hypnotic suggestions, we cannot survive long. The old
unconscious, forced measures must be broken and new measures applied
when choosing a partner.
If from the beginning we make the right choice in marriage because of the ability to discriminate, the
rest will be easy for us. We will not only enjoy our partnership, but we
also will make it an instrument for perfection. The following are
twenty-one measures that are essential in choosing a correct partner.
These include fourteen positive qualities to look for and seven negative
qualities to avoid.
1. Look in the heart of your spouse, friend, or co-worker to see if he has love for all living beings. This is fundamental. If he hates people or any animal, plant, or innocent
life-form, there is a defect in his consciousness, and in the future you
will have trouble with him. You want him to love you, but if he does
not have inclusive love, it means that he is not a wholesome person. He
has cleavages in his consciousness that one day will affect your
Most of the problems in our home are based on sectarian love. “I love you, but I hate her and them.” Such
words are a sign that one day you can be one of those whom he hates.
Love is not partial. Partial love does not exist. Love must be
all-inclusive. If someone loves with inclusiveness, then he can love you
to. If he loves you but has no love for others, later he will hate you
Inclusiveness and synthesis are signs of inner health, psychological health. One does not need to be an encyclopedia to be
inclusive. Inclusiveness and the sense of synthesis can be practiced and
learned in our daily life.
If a spouse is psychologically ill, which means being separative, you cannot live with him or her very long.
He has a wound, and eventually you will aggravate it and cause trouble
Try and see how many people, ideas, or things you hate, If hate dwells you, it will grow and involve you also in its traps.
2. Look in the heart of your partner to see if he is inclusive in consciousness and has the sense of synthesis. An inclusive person does not hate any cultural value but makes his own
“honey” from all diverse expressions of culture. People always have the
right to reject certain religions, cultures, and educational beliefs,
but inclusive people consciously find the common denominators that
relate the various religions, cultural, educational, and even scientific
expressions. They make evaluations but do not have preconditioned
You need a partner who is tolerant, who does not have fixed ideas about things, and who is open and discriminative to
all new ideas and viewpoints. An intolerant person will be a burden on
your shoulders any time you take progressive steps.
3. Look into the heart of your partner to see if he has compassion. Compassion is an ability to look at problems from both sides with equal interest,
detachment, and the intense desire to help both sides. Compassion is not
emotional love but an inclusive interest in understanding both sides of
any problem or event. Compassion not only understands but also
enlightens and leads to the highest interests of the people concerned.
We are told that compassion is a low. According to this low, one must
observe all that happens without excitement, hatred, confusion, or
Compassion can be seen in the hearts of people when they demonstrate a deep understanding, without condemnation and with
sincerity and love. People need compassionate individuals around them.
It is among such people that one can grow and unfold. Those who are
compassionate know that a person is higher than his needs, but they
never tolerate violence or criminal acts.
Once I was on a mountain with a couple who were engaged to be married. While we were sitting
under the trees a small deer passed by. The man had a revolver with him
and killed the deer with it.
The young woman looked at her fiancé with grief and said: “You will never see my face again.” She run down the hill to her car as the man was busy with the deer.
I ran after her and asked, “Are you serious?”
“Yes I am. He has no compassion, no love. I couldn’t stay with him, knowing he killed that beautiful animal.”
She drove away, and I never saw her with that man again.
I knew two women who used to love the same man. One of them was very
attached to him. The other was also deeply in love with him, but she was
controlled and solemn. A day came when he could not decide which of the
two women to marry.
The second woman, seeing his anxiety and the love of the first woman, called him and said, “I want you to
marry her. She loves you. I, too, love you, but one of us must
sacrifice, and I want to be that one. But I will always love you forever
as a friend.”
Compassion does not think in outmoded emotions but acts in nobility and heroism.
4. Look in the heart of your partner to see if there is a permanent love of beauty. Those who really love beauty are advanced people, and their companionship is a great joy.
If your partner is ugly on his or her thoughts, if he acts in ugly ways, if his words and expressions are ugly, he will cost you a fortune.
Love of beauty brings success and happiness to our homes and creates right
human relations. Love of beauty is a sign that one has a refined heart
and a refined consciousness, a consciousness that is harmonious within
Love for beauty should be unconditional. You must love the beautiful culture or art of your enemy. You must see beauty
everywhere. A person who loves beauty can see beauty in his spouse and
others, and he adores their beauty and the cause of the beauty. The
increase of and appreciation of beautify can create a new and higher
consciousness in humanity. Without beauty, people turn into animals.
Some people not only lack a sense of beauty, but they also hate beauty in
any form. They see beauty as threat to their interests and their
One cannot leave with a person who does not love beauty. If one does not love beauty, he develops jealousy when he
meets beauty in any form. Jealousy is absence of beauty in the heart.
People must look in their hearts for the source of beauty. If a person
loves beauty in Nature, in the arts, in man, he can be a good partner.
But if he hates beauty and lives in ugliness, it is better to postpone
your friendship until the sense of beauty unfolds in his heart.
5. You must look in the heart of your partner to see if there exists the spark of gratitude.Ungrateful, unappreciative people are heavy loads on our backs. One cannot do
creative work with such people. One cannot proceed on the path of his
evolution if he is tied to one who has no gratitude in his heart.
Ingratitude is a bad wound in the psyche of man. Ingratitude manifests
in little ordinary things and you can see it, but you may not consider
it the dangerous viper that it is.
See if your partner expresses gratitude when you offer tea, a cup of water, a gift, an
expression of love. If not, he is living in his ego, and he will take
anything for granted. Gratitude shows that the nerves of a person’s soul
6. The next sign you must look for in the heart of your partner is forgiveness. If your partner always speaks about how you hurt him in the past and cannot let
it go, eventually he will be loaded with so many memories of hurt that
he will be incapable of loving you or of having right relations with
you. The life of true friendship is a life of forgiving. Remembrance of
faults, failures, and mistakes makes unity impossible. Beware of people
who cannot forgive. People are desperately sick if they cannot forgive.
An unforgiving person will continuously bring and scatter poison in your
home and in your children.
Forgiveness is a sign that a person’s spiritual heart is healthy. Forgiveness releases tension and gives
continuous opportunity to grow. But forgiveness is not foolishness. A
forgiving person is also intelligent enough to make a dangerous person
realize that he cannot walk away without changing his heart. A forgiving
person puts a dangerous person under heavy discipline, knowing that one
cannot transform people by dwelling on their faults but by helping them
7. Look for responsibility and trust. Without a sense of responsibility and trust, friendship cannot last. A person
must show a sense of responsibility for life as a whole, for humanity,
for a group, for a family and children if he wants to have permanent
friends and joy in life.
An indifferent person who is totally involved with himself cannot be depended upon as a friend. Such
people use you and drain you, and one day they dump you. Children born
to responsible parents reach high positions in society, but the children
of those who never heard about the sense of responsibility cannot raise
themselves any higher than the average human being.
The sense of responsibility cannot survive without trust. You cannot trust a person
if he has no sense of responsibility. If there is no trust you do not
have a foundation, and you cannot build your future without a
Trust brings out the best qualities latent in you. When you trust, you dedicate and sacrifice yourself. When you cannot
trust, you cannot make commitments, and friendship continues only if
there is mutual commitment.
8. Look in your parent’s heart the spirit of optimism. Optimistic people have the faith and awareness that life works for good and that
the victory of Beauty, Goodness. Righteousness, Joy, and Freedom is in
the process of manifestation.
Once a young woman and a good–looking man wanted to marry. The woman said, “He is very beautiful,
but he has one little bad trait. He sees the dark sides of situations.
He emphasizes the ugly qualities and things that life is chaos and there
is no hope for this generation. But I like him and he is handsome.”
“Well,” I said, “it is good that you like him, but pessimistic people must be handled very carefully.”
She married him. Then three months later she came to me and said, “He is
always depressed. Every move I make is not good or is dangerous. I do
not know what I can do.”
Eventually she divorced him, but she found another man exactly like him. She did not learn her lesson and
became like him. Eventually she filled her home with fear and
Choose those who see things as they really are but who also have hope and a vision of the future. An optimism is not a
fool but one who sees hidden opportunities for betterment and for
future success. Through his creative imagination, he changes cloudy days
into days of joy.
Through his thoughts, a pessimist pollutes the atmosphere and annihilates the joy of life. Through his
thoughts, an optimist brings new sunshine and new rain for the fields of
blossom. Choose your partner from those whose faces are sunny, from
those who smile, and from those who think of the future, from those who
have faith and hope.
9. The ninth quality is to look for joy. Your partner should be a person who is happy and joyful, someone whom
even small things make happy. People do not always want to be happy.
There are people who are always unhappy and want to remain unhappy and
make others unhappy. Children from such families live in pessimism and
You do not need such an unhappy partner. There are also happy fools, for whom all is fantastic. These are people caught in
unreality. Real happiness is the ability to appreciate the beauty of
life, Nature, and people and to be grateful and harmonious. A happy
partner is a source of energy, health, and enthusiasm. Joy is deeper
than happiness. Joy is not only physical but includes aesthetic realms
as well. A person can be in intense joy reading a poem, looking at a
painting, listening to music, or touching an idea. Such a joyful person
brings light to his family and children and spreads beauty all around.
A joyful person appreciates your labor, your gift, and your help. You can live with such a person.
There are homes that have everything you can imagine except joy. Joy is the
life-energy of a marriage and of a family. Joy supports health,
prosperity, success, and achievement.
An absence of joy means many things. It is possible that an unhappy person has a guilt
feeling, is breaking the low of the state or the low of love, or is
hiding from the light. Joy and light exist together. Past crimes and
transgressions sometimes accumulate and karmically hit a person, and if
he does not learn his lesson, he becomes a pessimist. But if he learns,
he becomes a joyful person.
Our past crimes are sometimes like a cloud that moves at certain times, obscures our sun , and keeps us under the shadow of depression.
10. The tenth quality is to look for enthusiasm. This is so important for you, your partner, and your
children. Unless there is enthusiasm at home, everything will be dull, boring, and depressing. Enthusiasm causes creativity, joy, and cooperation.
Enthusiasm helps things be done joyfully and thoroughly, with love and blessings.
Enthusiasm carries fiery energy and energizes not only your body but
your heart and mind as well.
Enthusiasm is a fiery energy which is transmitted to human beings from higher sources. When the
communication line is broken between these beings and man, enthusiasm
evaporates, and the person does things mechanically. You do not need a
person who has no enthusiasm.
11. The eleventh quality to look for is striving. Striving is like running water; it brings health and happiness. Lack of striving
leads you toward stagnation Striving brings in new ideas, makes higher
contacts, and creates more beauty. Steady unfoldment of spirit is what
we call striving.
A striving spirit wants to do something new, to be something new, and to know something new.
In our friendship, our progress slows down or stops when there is no
striving. Try to make your creativity a higher quality; make your life
more inspiring for the people around you. Every day try to raise the
level of your being, knowing, and serving. Those who do not strive
become like people who stop on the journey, and you are forced to carry
them on your back.
12. The twelfth qualification is the sense of righteousness or the sense of justice. There will be no bright future for a family if there is no sense of justice in that family.
Once some friends and I were going on a picnic and we stopped at an outdoor
market to buy food for lunch. One couple with us went to a watermelon
stand, and after they bought a watermelon we all began to walk to the
picnic grounds. The young man who had bought the watermelon turned to
his girlfriend and said, “Look, honey, I gave the man five dollars and
he gave me back forty-six dollars.
Don’t you think I am a lucky man?’’
He tried to hug her, but to his surprise, she pushed him away. A few seconds later she said, “Go give it back.”
“Are you kidding? asked the man. “I won’t”
The young woman walked away and never came back to that man.
The sense of righteousness makes you strong, magnetic, and charming. If you
do not have the sense of righteousness or justice, you repel people and
cause them suffering. Many families are destroyed because either the
husband or the wife is unjust. Sometimes unrighteousness is a serious
sickness that obsesses people and makes them the cause of the sufferings
Unrighteousness is a direct offense against the law of karma, which then organizes heavy disciplines for such people to cure them from the sickness of unrighteousness.
People think that obedience to the laws of state is the measure of righteousness or justice. Unfortunately it is not.
Justice is related to the heart, and reason alone cannot penetrate its depth.
13. The thirteenth qualification of the heart is the spirit of cooperation. See if you can find such a spirit in your partner. A cooperative spirit
is a sign that the future will be joyful and successful. Without
cooperation, people can not stand in unity. Cooperation unites them,
fuses then into each other, cultivates their talents, and helps the
economy of the home.
Before you choose a friend or spouse, see if he or she has the spirit of cooperation.
14. The fourteenth qualification to look for in the heart of your partner is tolerance.Tolerant people respect the ideas, dreams, visions, beliefs, and religious or
political attitudes of others, and they try to learn something from
these differing points of view.
Fanaticism is the opposite of tolerance. If a person does not have the spirit of tolerance, the spouse
and children will not be happy and will not grow and be free. The
ancients used to say that absence of tolerance is slavery. The first
step to develop tolerance is to make an effort to understand the
different viewpoints of others. Tolerant people can expand their
consciousness and cooperate with various, diverse people for the common
good. Future victories can be achieved not by fanaticism but by
A tolerant person does not emphasize your errors and failures, though he tries to help you improve yourself.
Such a person knows that on his own level he himself is not perfect.
A tolerant person does not encourage other people’s weaknesses but with loving understanding helps others to overcome them.
These fourteen qualities offer great hope for friendship. Through these
qualities, friendship flourishes and turns into a companionship
dedicated to high ideals.
When you buy a tree, you want that tree to grow and bring fruit, leaves, and beauty to your
environment. When you marry or enter a partnership, you want that
partner to bring beauty and joy to the union.
People are often afraid of the idea of progressiveness, or of improvement and striving
toward perfection. They like to remain within their old “swamps and
jungles,” in their old habits and old states of beings. But without
progress and striving toward perfection, life decays and degenerates.
There are seven negative signs that you should carefully check for in prospective partners. Avoid those who have them.
1. Stay away from one who has a spoiled ego or who is selfish. The egotist, the selfish person, always seeks his own interest at the
expense of others. You cannot live with such people. They do not respect
your rights and your values. Everything revolves around their ego and
must feed their own interest. Selfishness is a serious psychological
disease, and it is difficult to cure people who are contaminated with
2. If one is inconsiderate, do not choose him or her as your partner. Such people bring shame to you, irritate you, and literally make you sick.
An inconsiderate person continually hurts your feelings and puts you in
danger. He does not know how totalk, what to talk about, or where to
talk. He does not know how to behave.
A considerate person intuitively knows your psychological state, the conditions, and the
right timing, and he relates to you and to others in a spirit of noble
Considerate people are controlled people, and they never allow themselves to be out of order. People can be measured by their ability to be considerate.
A considerate person is a sensitive person. He respects your rights, your sleep or
rest, your prestige, your rank-your whole being- and he does not upset
you with selfish orignorant behavior. A considerate friend does not try
to make you jealous. He does not
manipulate you. He is noble.
An inconsiderate person thinks only of his own pleasures and ignores the
rights of Others. An inconsiderate person has a limited consciousness.
He is selfish and imprisoned in his ego. Be careful of such people.
3. Beware of the person who has an urge to attack and hurt with words, with smiles, with sarcasm, or with collected knowledge. Such a person wants to make others small so that he feels great. Such people love to gossip. They also use malice
and slander against others. This is a sickness that is sustained throughout
manyincarnations, and it is not easy to cure. Such people’s children
follow in their steps,showing the same aggressive and belittling
tendencies. The home of such a personalways contains
fighting. There is no respect between the family members, and everyone tries to
put each other down. If you see this characteristic in someone, be
careful. Do not prepare a hell for yourself in the future.
4. Do not choose someone who is separative. Separatism is a real sickness. To cure such a sickness requires heavy
labor, sometimes for lives. Separatism builds a shell around the
person’s heart, which does not let it bloom and be inclusive.
If you have such a sickness yourself, try to cure it because it manifests through many kinds of glandular disturbances and heart diseases.
A parent cannot raise noble children if he is separative. Separatism puts
fear and hatred into the family members and prevents sunshine from
coming into the home.
5. The fifth negative characteristic to stay away from is cruelty. Cruel people are mentally sick people. Cruelty annihilates joy from the
home and prepares criminal children. Observe your future partner to see
if he or she is cruel toward trees, flowers,
animals and people.
Cruel people even fight against furniture, food, and clothing. They express
their cruelty with their thoughts, emotions, words and actions. When you
see cruelty stay away.
6. Beware of those who deceive, tell lies, or fabricate things. If you see such signs, know that you will regret being the partner of such a person because he will try to deceive you in any way possible.
A deceptive person has no respect for others. His sense of accuracy and
justice is totally distorted, and he can involve you with many problems
you do not need.
A deceptive person uses many methods to hide himself. He uses lies, fabrications, stories, imitations, and
pretenses and makes dramatic maneuvers just to hide himself and to
deceive you. You must be very alert not to be contaminated by such a
7. The seventh negative sign is ungratefulness. An ungrateful person forces you to go out of your limit to do things to
try to please him or her. It is difficult to please such people. An
ungrateful person wastes your time, your energy, your money, and your
reputation and then laughs at you. He creates various psychological
tensions within you and eventually forces you to be selfish and
Those who are divorced from people who were ungrateful may carry the same sickness to their new homes. Be careful of
those who are ungrateful and who do not appreciate life and other
If you learn by heart these twenty-one signs, you can choose a better partner and have a chance to build a better future. If people choose the best, the best will be theproduct.
One must expect his spouse or partner to have the best characteristics and
virtues. As we look for the best lumber with the best qualities to fit
the need of what we are going to build, similarly, we choose a spouse
with certain special qualities to fit out ideal marriage and family
Do not think that it is impossible to find people with positive characteristics. They exist, but they need recognition and a spirit of “gardening” in order to bloom. You can evoke these characteristics from people if the seeds are in them.
In the future, these twenty-one signs will be used more often and more
consciously inchoosing partners. Future humanity must not live as they
did in the past or even the present. People are awakening to the fact
that in improving their lives, they can enjoy a better future.
If you are already married, try to work intelligently to develop greater
virtues in yourself and to encourage your spouse to develop his own
virtues and bloom in his own unique form and color.
One must not judge, criticize, or separate from a spouse who does have all fourteenpositive characteristics or who has some of the negative qualities. Instead, one must create those conditions in which he slowly improves and meets the measures.
Gentleness, patience, and understanding are basic virtues that must be exercised
in human relations. One cannot help people improve if one uses force or
vulgar means tochange them.
The motive to change a person must not be related to your own self-interest but to thewelfare and
interest of the others. Also, you must not try to make your partner
anexact copy of yourself, but you must have a high expectation to see
him bloom in his own beauty. A high expectation evokes development if it
is handled impersonal, and it produces those qualities that are the
foundations of right human relations.
A high expectation is not a built-up image, but a psychic energy that goes into the heart
of your partner and calls forth higher values and releases them. If
your expectation is sincere and firm, eventually you see the unfoldment
of the beauty of your partner.
Some people pray that their spouse will develop certain spiritual qualities and will become free
from bad habits. In most cases, such prayers bring results because
they are delivered with an intense expectation.
Every human being is extremely beautiful in his essence. One must let this essenceexpress itself without being pressured and by providing the right condition for growth and unfoldment.
No matter what kind of nature your husband or wife has, you can improve him or her by first improving yourself and setting an example, an example that does not usetechniques of showing off various kinds of imposition.
We need to look at our partners for three viewpoints:
In the first viewpoint, to the degree that we find and admire beauty in our partner, his beauty unfolds and increases.
In the second viewpoint, we see virtues in our parent that will help him gradually to become
greater in some field of expression, and we encourage and inspire him to
strive toward those principles.
In the third viewpoint, we notice those habits that may in the future create cleavages between
us or become the source of unending problems. We do not need to ignore
those problems or overemphasize them, but we need to see them in their
right proportion and handle them wisely. It is possible that people who
are full of nasty habits can slowly become beautiful under the magic
sunshine of love, understanding, patience, and intelligent action.
There are people who think that when you encourage them to be beautiful,
righteous, joyful, or free, you are really trying to limit their freedom
to be what they want to be. First of all, the positive or constructive
qualities suggested here must not be pushed on any person but must only
be looked for and subtly evoked. The energies of Beauty, Goodness,
Righteousness, Joy, Freedom, and similar principles do not enslave
people. They make them free human beings, human beings who are no longer
children but are mature with the serious goal in life to perfect
Those who do not strive to improve their lives toward perfection eventually become the slaves of their lower urges and
of other people, and they try to exercise their slave psychology on
Dull people are afraid to improve because they are stuck to their past habits. They do not yet have a new vision because they are not capable of making the needed sacrifices to contact a vision.
Looking for or expecting positive qualities or virtues in other is not imposing
our will. But we must protect or secure our own freedom by not becoming
involved with unnecessary problems and headaches.
It is possible to change people if people wish to change, but there are various cases
in which one need not be involved. If one is seeking a partner, these
positive and negative signs help save the person from many troubles and
If you wish to have a partner who loves all human beings, and you reject someone because he does not have enough
love for all, you are not limiting him or imposing your own will on him.
If you refuse to buy corn that is not of good quality, you are not
imposing your will on it; you just want good corn.
Should I live with him first?
One day someone asked me, “How will I know the character of my future spouse if I do not live with him first before marriage?”
My answer included the following points:
Some people think that patience alone can cure psychological diseases. It is
possible to cure them in time, but the best way to cure them is to
leave negative people to their karma. Many lives are needed to overcome
serious defects of character, and only one who is sincere in his heart
and can clearly see his failures can cure himself. This he does through
penance, retreats, prayers, and dedicated service.
There was a holy man who, every time he saw a defect in his character, went
into retreat- fasting, praying, analyzing the source ofhis weakness and
trying to see his future perfection. This is the best way to deal with
such negative points in ourselves, and especially under the guidance of a
The key is to have in yourself the good qualifications that you want in a partner. Then you can expect them from the one towhom you are going to
dedicate yourself for life. But if you do not have these qualifications
and you are trying to make your partner have them, you are imposing
yourself. Then if your partner develops these good qualities, he will
see exactly the hypocrite you are, and this will not be pleasant for
The best way to develop these fourteen good qualities in your partner is first to see how beneficial they are in your life
and in the lives of others; then develop them in yourself and wait until
your partner sees how beautiful you are. Create those conditions or
opportunities around you in which people will instinctively want to
We must think about our lives in the same way that we think about obtaining a university degree. We must have
constant striving to learn more, to become better human beings, and to
choose the best partner we can so that we do not waste our energy in
unnecessary conflict. But most people look at life as an opportunity
for them to make themselves happy to any extent possible. They expect to
enjoy life and forget the existence of others and their rights and
The ancients repeatedly told us this life is a large educational field in which people learn on various levels how to
perfect their bodies, hearts, and mind and enter into their spiritual
Life is a very serious endeavor in which either you graduate or fail. Failure complicates your life and makes you
suffer and face much pain and grief. Success brings joy, abundance, and
understanding, and you proceed toward your spiritual graduation. Some
people play all day like school children and when the time for exams
arrives, they feel terrified. Life has its cyclic exams. The only reason
or purpose for being a human living on this planet is to unfold our
inner qualities, our essence, and reach perfection. Al the rest is
decoration, games, or traps.
When both people in a marriage touch the same vision of improvement, they
createtremendous joy in their family-life by trying to improve
themselves to reach that vision. Such couples can give birth to great
children and raise them to be psychologically and physically healthy.
From such children will come the future leaders of humanity.
Most homes are in a process of decay because there are conflicts, hate,
tension, and sadness between husbands and wives. This society can only
be changed by those who know how to select partners who have the
fourteen positive characteristics and how to avoid marrying those who
have the seven negative characteristics.
(Sex, Family and the Woman in Society, by Torkom Saraydarian)